Forget about that diet, put down that carrot stick, and join the country in celebrating National Candy Day! Well, I’m not sure most of the country is actually aware of this auspicious occasion, but it’s apparently happening somewhere today, so here’s a little doodlewash to celebrate.
This doodlewash is inspired by a candy dish from the fabulous folks at Fred & Friends, who make lots of wonderful things you never knew you needed, including a glass snack bowl shaped like a plastic zipper bag. I don’t own this dish, but it’s on my Christmas list, so if anyone is out shopping and feeling generous, feel free to pick one up for me!
I filled my virtual dish with Jelly Belly candy as they’re my favorite. Mostly because in an assortment pack, all the flavor choices are made for you, thus removing indecision and getting straight to the sugary point. Philippe, however, won’t let me get the giant Jelly Belly jar at Costco, not to protect me, but to protect himself. If left unattended, I would likely find the jar empty, and Philippe rolling on the floor, clutching his stomach and moaning, while the dogs looks on with his “thanks for not sharing, you asshole!” look on his face.
When I was a little kid, I used to love to go to the bank with my mother. I didn’t think that I was going to get any money, nor did I fancy myself a future bank president (I wanted to be famous, after all, not obscure). No, I went for the candy. And also because, at my tender age, it was not acceptable to leave me home alone, even in the 70’s.
One time when we visited, I kept pulling my mother’s pant leg (she never wore dresses) to get her attention. “What?” she asked. She was about to approach the teller we had seen last time, and I was determined to stop her. So I tugged harder trying to steer her in a different direction. “What is wrong, Charlie?” she asked. I paused, but told the truth. “I don’t like him.” She looked surprised and asked why to which I simply replied, “He gives green suckers!”
She said later she was surprised because I had calmly eaten that green sucker without saying a word. Of course, I did, it was the only sucker available. But I didn’t like it. It was green. Red suckers tasted like cherries, orange like oranges, purple like grapes, and yellow like lemons. Green suckers just tasted green. Whether it was a failed attempt at lime or green apple or both, the end result was just an oddly sweet green flavor. I hated them.
Odd today, that my favorite Jelly Belly is green, or at least greenish. I like the pear ones best as they taste like biting into a real pear. Or at least a pear that’s been petrified in a bath of Karo syrup. At any rate, they’re delicious!
We once tried their BeanBoozled® game pack which pairs gross flavors with their classics that you eat by spinning the wheel to see what you’ll get. It’s truly death-defying as you wait to see if yours is flavored as lime or lawn clippings, peach or barf, or my precious pear suddenly made to taste like a booger. Philippe tried two and nearly puked, so it’s a relatively short game to try when you have the time.
It’s here I always stop and wonder about the person whose job it was to eat 50 versions of booger-flavored jellies and decide that one was the boogeriest of them all. I imagine he or she out with friends saying, “Oh man, me too! I was sooooo ready for 5! Haha! If I had to taste one more booger today, I was going to go nuts!” No wait, if this person actually dares to talk about their line of work, it’s equally likely they have no friends at all.
However you choose to celebrate this day, do so with both joy and moderation. Hopefully you have some candy sitting and waiting for your ceremonial consumption. If not, and you have kids with leftover Halloween candy, you can ask them to share, but keep in mind they’ve already eaten the best ones. And I think I’ve already properly warned you of the dangers of playing candy roulette.